Loss can be so profound and you don’t always learn the lessons when you are in the midst of it. But as I reflect back on the most devastating loss I have ever experienced, just a little over seven years ago, I see there were a few lessons I have only recently gleaned. When I tell you that this loss had to do with this sweet girl, Tori, who is pictured here. Many may say, she is just a dog, could it have been that “devastating”. Prior to her, I would have agreed with you. You see, I have had other dogs before her and have lost them too, but nothing can compare to this.
When I say the loss was devastating, I am not exaggerating, anyone who was in my sphere at that time saw the many times I broke down for no reason. The day we put her down I had to call off work and the next day I went to work, I asked my supervisor to let me defer meeting with any customers that day. And when my sweet co-worker brought me a sympathy card, the waterworks started again. I refused to put her food and water bowls away and I balled like a baby when my partner gave the remaining dog treats to the neighbors. Are you getting the picture?
Why was this loss so much harder than the prior ones? At the time, I couldn’t offer an answer. However, seven years later as I reflect on the loss here is what I have found. Tori was really my daughter’s dog. She received her as gift from my uncle when she was sixteen, right after her dad and I divorced. It was only a few years later and she was off to college. When that happened, Tori essentially became my dog.
Can you see where this is going? At the time, I felt that I was totally fine with her leaving for college. I never really related to my peers who were so upset and lost when their children went to college and they became empty nesters. I was totally cool with it, although I must admit, I did cry a little when we left her at college for the first time. Now that I reflect on this time in my life and why this loss was so profound, I feel it was because I filled the void of my daughter leaving with her dog. I poured all my love and emotional energy into Tori and when she suddenly got sick at the age of 11 ½ I was beside myself. When we got the call from the animal hospital at 2 am that she was suffering, we raced to the hospital to say our good byes. Even now as I type I am tearing up reliving these last moments.
After her loss, I swore I would not go through that type of pain again and refused to get another dog. Well, the void she left in my life was too large not to fill, so within a month, we adopted Conner. Shortly there after we adopted Oliver and now seven years after Tori’s passing, we have Conner, Oliver, Lou and Twig. Yes, my girl Tori left a big void to fill!
Aside from the obvious lesson that I shared above, the biggest lesson I learned from pouring love in to Tori, was to allow my heart to be open, broken and then opened again. Isn’t that what life is really about? We can choose to be closed off and protect our heart, which is where I lived for much of my life, until Tori’s lessons, or we can live life fully, love fully and risk getting our heart broken. At the age of fifty-five, I am choosing to live my life fully, love fully and take the risk. How about you?
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